friends.

don't you love when someone just "gets you?
any girls who doesn't see how awesome one of my close guys friends are shouldn't be allowed to exist nor should ask for my friendship.

this week

trying to make time to hang out
make last minute christmas shopping happen
make an eye appointment
find my recipe for an amazing chili, somehow i lost mine :/ can almost do it from memory, but would be missing a few things.
and
call the doctor for my lab results.

mental notes, all made.

sending out

a christmas gift any day now.
smiling more than before.









i'm being haunted.

winters coming fast,

the city won't come back alive until spring.

making christmas lists, not buying anything for myself this month. meaning possibly rewarding myself with one or two new tattoos next month.

don't want much for christmas this year. a gps since i default as a girl on this one and have:

the worst sense of direction.
terrible driving skills to begin with.

most recently,

i realized that if a boy is going to involve himself with me, he can't be the least bit selfish.

and, like all things i believe true, these don't hit home until they happen to you.

i laid my heart out for a boy some time ago and he lied to me to get what he wanted from me. since i'm plagued with this big heart in a little body, i forgave the scumbag. after us salvaging what we could of a friendship, i thought things were going pretty well. sure, it hurt to see him with another girl. but it hurt even more to know that behind her back, he still wanted me as his girl on the side. i don't know why i put myself in these situations, but i can't walk away from something left unfinished. after their break up which is breaking his world apart (give me a fucking break), he's suddenly interested in me and all of the wonderful, wonderful things i have to offer. side note, if a boy is going to put me in the situation where i have permission to be a bitch, i will take full advantage of that and potentially ruin his life. (temporarily, of course). so, me being the girl i am, i told him i'd come over, we'd have a dinner and a movie night, and catch up. get that girl off his mind, get our friendship started again.

what upset me the most is,
he didn't once ask how i was feeling or how my messy, thrilling life has been
and that he still wanted to hook up with me.

i put my heart through so much to be this boys friend, and this is what i get in return?

scumbag free.
lesson learned.
never going to be a girl on the side, ever. even if it's just talking.

using your body to shield your soul.

isn't it sad,
that i can let someone into my world,
without opening my mouth...

family dinner

reminds me how unorganized my family really is. i didn't get the head's up that everyone was bringing their significant other. just a reminder of how alone i am. i'm happy for all of my sisters, i really am. after dinner i just drove around for a while, actually more than a little while... and just thought. i'm proud of myself. if not sleeping with people means i sleep alone every night, so be it. i'm not giving up my search for someone who sincerely believes that my mind is my most attractive asset. and one day i'll find him and invite him to family dinner. and he'll see them the way i see them.

am i just dreaming....
... can this ever come true..

mama always said

i'd be pretty one day. when's that day going to get here?

....

but there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. and though i can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... i simply am not there.

food for thought.

made ashley and ana breakfast for dinner. all vegan and all num num tastic :) tonight, where the wild things are. there is something romantic about late night movies and hang outs. i think it's the bright lights and the silence.

i'm a fool.

sometimes i don't think i was meant to be loved, or at least held on to.

round two.

movie and snack night with corey last night. fido, so friggin cute. and adventure land, even friggin cuter. can't decide why a boy like him would go for a gal like me but we always have something to talk about and he keeps me smiling. case in point, trust in your heart. trust in your head. and trust in yourself.

oh, and round one was the boy sweeping me off my feet.

sometimes i wonder

how people have come to be what they are. have you ever looked at childhood pictures of someone and think of how innocent they used to be. such a frail, virgin mind ready to soak up what the world has in store for them.

just love the world that won't love you back.

on a side note, if anyone wants to teach me how to be a guy and not a helpless girl i'd really appreciate that. i need to learn to change my oil and put air in my tires. yeah, i know, i'm throwing up in my mouth too.

columbus.

half my heart is there right now. with a man that lives in a little town called westerville. that has the sweetest friends i've ever met. that opened up their heart and house to me and made me the first girl to ever ride in the van. walking away from something that is good for you makes it for the top five hardest things to do. i can't wait to go back :) and follow that boy around, to make wishes together. what i felt leaving is something i can never, never put into words. i never thought i would be that dejected seeing the sign welcoming me back home.

i met two different kinds of girls that night at the show. i've never seen it from this side of the table before.

because when i think of you, i don't feel so alone <3

11:11

every day, for the rest of my life, my little wishing well :) today was great. busy at first but tapered off into relaxing. i'm completely stupid over this boy right now. and it feels so good to not be talking to anyone else. work meeting tomorrow, which should be fun, then working. later this week, spending the weekend in columbus. i need someone who enjoys vegan food that lives nearby so i can drop off leftovers to them. i cook everyday now and have too many leftovers that i'm not home for/could never possibly eat them all.

11:11

it's almost scary to think someone could feel the same way about me. i can't wait until you come back from tour :) i'm falling, no one can stop me.

in love with

donald miller. one of my favorite blogs right now. can't wait for his new book to come out this fall :)

things that piss me off lately:
people saying that i get around
unclean rooms
sore feet
running out of sprinkles
returning library books (i just want to keep them)
people who think i should text them from when i wake up until i fall asleep

things that make me smile lately:
making cupcakes every other day
finishing books
people who bring me gas when i break down
boys with accents and chipped or jacked up teeth
dad coming home
watching someone love something/someone.

august is coming to a close.

truth and triumph is the best shop in ohio. hands down. sure, it's in dayton but it's worth the drive. i've never been disappointed when i go there, even if it's just to hang out. a super sweet guy named randy gaines is opening up a piercing shop downstairs. one of the most passionate people i've ever met. you don't just meet someone like him everyday :)

totally into getting some sleep now. ready to be heading out to dayton a lot more now since i found out my girlfriend kelly murphy still lives there.

if you say this makes you happy then i'm not the only one lying.

settled some stuff that needed to be settled. proud of myself, because taking the first step to ending something and risking a friendship isn't an easy thing to do. happy, making cupcakes once again.

house warming gifts are hard. i want them to think of me every morning they wake up. i'm making art again :) picture up before i give it a new home.

i like days that are filled like this:

waking up before my best friend so i can make breakfast.
wearing an pink apron with ruffles.
walking her dog (stalker) while she showers
going home
and spending some good quality time with myself.
finishing "the biology of sex" and starting on "snuff".
picking up flowers from the store while my mom is gone.
and calling up old friends.




we don't know how god damn lucky we are.

girls night after work :)

had so much fun with the girls after work :) we always know what to say to make each other laugh. i needed a night like this.

got the new

soul control album in the mail today :) i'm glad they like to send pre-orders early.

new picture up, just on my blog only. it was taken as a joke because i like having my hair pulled but i didn't know i could capture that face in a picture. for some reason it's one of my favorites.

because i like to make lists.

ten things to stop waiting for in life.

one. his first move.
two. your mother's approval. she'll be happy for you (eventually).
three. smaller or larger breasts.
four. a sign to tell you what to do next.
five. a man to complete you.
six. your ex to say he's really sorry.
seven. your best friends to actually take your advice. it's in their hands.
eight. the economy to tread upwards.
nine. a secret trust fund or inheritance.
ten. an understanding of the afterlife.

i never say anything i don't mean.

it's rude to ditch a girlfriend over a guy that doesn't giving a fucking shit about you. just plain, fucking rude.

god damn.

can't even fucking rant in a fucking blog post because i'm so frustrated.

four eyes.

i truly covet a pair of horn rimmed glasses with a thick black plastic browline and silver metal bridge. sigh.


these are so sexy. i don't care what anyone else says or thinks. they are.

no more illusions.

i can not see this light everyone else sees. i can only see a black dark nothing. i've tried to find god. i've tried to search for something that can't fail me. something concrete. but how much can you trust in anything in this world.

day to day, i wonder if any of this matters. it doesn't. this blog doesn't matter. only to me because it's self realization that only i see and only something i can feel. god, i sound like matt but he's really helped me see things in a sensible way. i really can't put into words what he means to me. will i be remembered for more than a few once in a whiles?

the world i knew as i child doesn't exist anymore. hell, the world i knew a week ago doesn't exist anymore.

"hate humanity? yep, sure do. there's such a lack of responsibility for one's actions in the world, selfishness, and a great destruction in thw way people live their lives. it's all instant gratification, and who cares how my instant gratification affects those around me, or on a small personal level or a global level. the way people treat each other is truly disgusting, and we've created an environment through advances in science and technology that allows for a very septic society to thrive. and we breed and breed, and all the wrong people breed while all the right people don't want to have children because they don't want to place them in this world"- davey havok.


i have barely skimmed the surface of deeper thought. i'm going to watch a movie. maybe post in the next couple of days.


i dream of losing contact
only because it's expected natural.

i am so happy

that i have the friends i do. just when i think no one even considers me anything, i have a good friend tell me that i'm awesome and his opinion means a lot to me. i know i'm not a shitty girl. it just feels good to hear it :) even if it's coming from a friend. the cherry on top, a friend that will just get closer to me.

you know you're happy when your day is made by someone e-mailing a picture of a baby pig. seriously?

no rain. god doesn't hate us today.

off to bake more cupcakes because i got "VEGAN CUPCAKES TAKE OVER THE WORLD" the other day at borders. i made the golden vanilla ones first. because that's basic, right? basically heaven.

so now i'm off to try making "crimson velveteen" cupcakes with "old fashioned velvet frosting". fancy names for fancy cupcakes.

among getting this, i got two other cook books, both by Isa Chandra Moskowitz (Vegan with a Vengeance and Vegan Brunch) and i got When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris that i'm starting today.

off to get my hands dirty. that's it. just my hands.

<3

i don't know what else a girl in my position is to do.

sometimes i'd just like someone to be there for me. at the end of the day when i've gotten out of my clothes and let my hair down and just relax. i don't always have great days. and i don't always have someone to talk to. sure, i have girlfriends. but doesn't every girl deep down inside want a boyfriend? yes, i've learned a lot from being single. and yeah, without that time i wouldn't be the girl i am today. i stand my ground, i have my act together, and i know exactly what i want, first, out of life, and second, out of a guy. i'm venting and i shouldn't even click publish post but i'm going to. i have so much love and no one to take it.

i'm

opening up my own etsy by the end of summer.
here will be some of the things in my store:
custom munny's and dunny's
collage boxes of all shapes and sizes :) (will make person to person)
and honestly anything i have that i can no longer wear (old earrings) or things that don't fit my style anymore will be put up here and there.

that's all i have for now.
but i'm so excited !!!!

got the new

trapped under ice today with a free sweet poster. is it just me or every time i order something online they send me free shit?

if i saw this

i would probably drop my panties.

lately.

had a great fourth of july and a scar to prove it !!

slowly getting back on my feet- hopefully the bank decides to let me have a loan.

rip.

he liked everyone else
but he loved me.

i hope whatever my kitten died of, they can find out how he became infected, actual symptoms, and a treatment. death still hits me the same, no matter what age.

i have one person to thank for making me feel better.


"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love."
— Washington Irving

a small part

of my heart died today that can never come back...

let me feel.

what are you doing.

the other day i was having a discussion about why every girl in the scene hooks up with every guy in the scene.
why not post a blog on it.

i'm talking about two different types of girls here.
the girl who digs the guy (look like she doesn't know how she got there).
and the girl who appears to dig the music (looks like she would be in the scene).

what gets me is the girl who is at the show that appears to be digging the music, but can point out a handful of guys she's been with. "been with" as in, "talked" to, made out with, gone down on, and slept with. sometimes this girls at shows often, sometimes she's not. she more than likely gives in to last minute requests.

the girl who digs the guy is more obvious. she doesn't fit in at the show, talks to little or no people, and is constantly texting on her phone (or sometimes talking with the girlfriend she forced to come with her). she appears at shows once or twice, or never again.

don't go to shows unless you dig the music. it takes the heart away from it and the feeling you get inside that no one else can put their finger on. these people aren't just there for a place to hang out and socialize. fuck him on your own time and keep the scene slut free. no guy wants to know that his girlfriend has been with all of his friends. you know why? because she's not a challenge. she'll fuck anything, and THAT'S NOT ATTRACTIVE.

always put your dignity above a quick fuck or a relationship. be better than that.

looks alone won't sustain his respect.

then again, this is just me speaking my mind.

i am not my mothers daughter or my fathers daughter.

im so distant from my parents.
it's hard to imagine what goes on in their minds.

we have a large family. and every time i try to get in the conversation (granted, it is a topic that i finally care about that they are finally discussing) and i get cut off by someone louder. this leaves me to just sit there, and smile, and look pretty. never do they want to talk about veganism, foreign films, music, or social issues. it's always who's making how much where and gossiping about their son coming home trashed the other night or how their daughter might be pregnant ("but we're a hundred percent positive she's not"). for the record, she was. my family does not trust each other. my family does not demonstrate what i think lo
ve is. my family does not see me for who i am. and the sad thing is they never will.

will they ever see how much i went through growing up,
will they ever realize how much that had an effect on everything i am today.
well i love myself.