no more illusions.

i can not see this light everyone else sees. i can only see a black dark nothing. i've tried to find god. i've tried to search for something that can't fail me. something concrete. but how much can you trust in anything in this world.

day to day, i wonder if any of this matters. it doesn't. this blog doesn't matter. only to me because it's self realization that only i see and only something i can feel. god, i sound like matt but he's really helped me see things in a sensible way. i really can't put into words what he means to me. will i be remembered for more than a few once in a whiles?

the world i knew as i child doesn't exist anymore. hell, the world i knew a week ago doesn't exist anymore.

"hate humanity? yep, sure do. there's such a lack of responsibility for one's actions in the world, selfishness, and a great destruction in thw way people live their lives. it's all instant gratification, and who cares how my instant gratification affects those around me, or on a small personal level or a global level. the way people treat each other is truly disgusting, and we've created an environment through advances in science and technology that allows for a very septic society to thrive. and we breed and breed, and all the wrong people breed while all the right people don't want to have children because they don't want to place them in this world"- davey havok.


i have barely skimmed the surface of deeper thought. i'm going to watch a movie. maybe post in the next couple of days.


i dream of losing contact
only because it's expected natural.