lipstick.

the only make-up i crave.

muted pink-beiges
bright pink
classic cherry red
cranberry
light,ladylike mauve
pale, muted peach/beige
light blue pink
clean pastel pink


i wish all lipstick was in a satin finish. sigh. a girl can dream, right?

rainfest entry.

I’ve always told myself, listen to the feeling. Listen to the feeling… and then I feel nothing. I feel nothing at all. This feeling… these roadtrips… have become so much more than what it began as. Before I knew what was happening to me, I was submerged in it. It didn’t matter how many people were there. All that mattered were the same faces every time. We’ve seen each other grow up. We’ve seen people grow apart. We’ve seen how much of an impact we all have on each other. We’ve closed our eyes and we open them and no one has left. Ever since I was a little girl, when I was screaming to be loved, I was nurtured into silence. There are things that I have told people from the community that I am now a part of that I haven’t even told my own family. What is a girl supposed to do when the only people she knows won’t love her back? And listen to her? As I got older,there became a time when I could go out alone. I wouldn’t get phone calls asking where I was. I wouldn’t even get phone calls if I wasn’t home for a couple of days. Sometimes, I would get secretly jealous of my friends who’s parents called to check in on them or ask them if they were coming home for dinner. But, oh, how good it felt to to get away… and even if I was only at the show for a couple of hours… what I felt in that couple of hours got me through. If it was van full of people or just myself, I never felt alone. Well… that’s not always true. I’ve had my fair share of social ups and downs, but that’s life. I’ve also had my fair share of friends who have come and gone. But what I knew was this.There weren’t any rules. You were free to leave whenever you want, and I stayed long after the show was over, submerged in conversations about social classes, religion, sexism, therapy, veganism, demos… anything. Anything and everything. The drives home would feel like nothing, just swirls of memories blanketing me . I would take deep breaths, and I swear I could smell home. I could see home. That house with so many locks on the doors. My room with so many notebooks scattered on the floor. I would remember. What than man on stage said. And I’d take a look around. And I’d look into someones eyes around me. And I saw everything. I saw the neglect. I saw the pride. I saw the honesty. I remember thinking about it once…. That look. It’s like seeing first hand, the look in an animals eyes right before its life is being taken from it. Knowing in that moment that you have a connection with something. And you just wanted to hold onto it and take it all away at the same time. In those moments, I didn’t feel alone…. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t write. Notebooks, dreams, stories, poems, diaries… the act of writing made me feel centered and whole. It still does. It’s my medication and my meditation. I’m honest about what I feel and what I fear. It always comes back to me. I’d go home and I’d write about the show. About who I met there, how many people were there, the condition of the venue… everything. I would write about everyone I met that night.. and I wonder how we were all brought together. At the end of the night, what kept us coming back? Did these people come from homes like the one I came from? Did they lie awake, with their hands over their ears? Did they look into the fragile faces of those they loved, hoping they loved them back? All I knew was this was happening before my time, and I thought that was beautiful.I am writing this entry in hopes of sharing the experience with the people attending this fest. My writing has identity issues. Hopefully I can make some friends along the way, that scratch beyond the surface and we can all feel human together.



last but not least, i wrote this entry for myself. the winner is announced march fifteenth.

are you a leader or a follower?

someone asked me this today in my formspring and i thought it was a good question.

i couldn't really give an answer and i kept deleting my response and we-writing it.

i ended up with this answer:
the hardest question in my formspring, good job. the decisions i've made in how i choose to live my life would make me assume that i'm closer to a leader. however, i don't mind following if the interests are similar to mine and i could come up with good ideas, help people, etc. again, hardest question in my formspring.

i would have to say starting around elementary school i was a follower. i was the smallest one in my class and was shy. i had a handful of friends, and i didn't feel comfortable around the other kids at school. a lot of them had nicer things than i did, and i often got picked on for this. i spent many, almost every recess alone. i read, i wrote, i just sat there and watched other kids. i don't remember being particularly sad. after a while you don't really feel anything. i was content, because it was all i knew. middle school came along. and i started to question everything. i became vegan during this time. which set me more apart from everyone else. boys didn't notice me. the popular girls didn't want to be my friend. it was like this all of middle school. high school was for the most part, terrible. i went through a lot of family and personal issues, and realized that claiming edge was the best thing i could ever do for myself. i took initiative to make myself the person i am today. i was the first junior that was ever editor for my schools newspaper. and ever since then i've been doing what i feel is best for me. i like to plan out road trips. i like to budget my money. i like to feel in control and i like being pro-active. i think everyone has to be a follower at some point to be a good leader. you have to have an investment in the people you're working with, and its got to be something you take home with you.

if i was ever a "leader" in my life, the time would be now. and i'm getting better and better at it. i do believe in fairness in relationships. in my opinion, there is a time and a place for the male to be dominant and a time and a place for the woman to be dominant. for example, if i'm with a guy that can't cook, then hell, i'm going to cook for him. if he can cook, and he wants to cook, that's fine with me too. as long as we're both happy, i don't see the problem. if i'm with one of my girlfriends and she wants to eat at this place and i want to eat at that place, then we talk it through it. i don't play that bullshit "where do you want to eat?" sigh "oh, i don't care, you pick something". i don't do that. if someone asks me where i want to eat i give them a straight up answer. "dominant" and "submissive" are coming to mind when i'm thinking of these scenarios.

there are other ways in my life i could be a leader/follower. maybe whoever asked me that should keep asking me questions. they have good insight.

but very, very good question. thank you for not writing something perverted in my formspring.

http://www.formspring.me/dearraindrop

this website is the definition of sketch, but i do answer every question given to me.

saw title fight last night. introduced myself to them since i have seen them five or six times. sometimes it's so hard for me to talk to boys, and i'm almost positive i was blushing. will be coming through and playing nitro and indianapolis all before united blood. looking forward to it.

currently jamming to a lot of
http://www.myspace.com/hcalmosthome
something about them reminds me of rise and fall.

making a zine this week, who knows what's going into it :)

facebook look a like.

alright, so everyone and their mom (moms have facebooks now) has changed their profile picture to their "celebrity look alike". so i got to thinking, i totally don't look like anyone else. so i got to thinking some more, and these are the people that people have told me i've looked like before...

she's a total babe, but i think it's just the blonde hair and the breasts.










i guess this is a compliment to wear i'm an older gal. can see it in the cheekbones.















don't get this one, but she's my favorite actress so i took it.
















again, the blonde hair and the breasts.















just thought it was interesting. and reminded me that no famous gal wears glasses !!

upcoming movies i'm looking forward to.

shutter island.
tree of life.
the white ribbon.
the killer inside me.
the rum diary.
the ghost wright.
and
true grit.

i'm

... so afraid to let a boy touch me.

others.

it's always about pleasing others. sometimes they see it and sometimes they don't.


i'm just a girl who sometimes writes her feelings for everyone to see. don't mind me.