these ruined acts.

i can't read his mind.
i wander what he wants.
did he want anything from me at all.
then was everything i felt
only from the needs of my own mind...

maybe i was just walking alone.
maybe he never thought of me at all.
maybe
he even meant to hurt me.

buttercup bakes at home.

recently checked this book out from the library. i have to say, it's not often you get a cookbook that has every recipe you've ever dreamed of. unfortunately, the recipes are not vegan, but it's ever so easy to fix that :)

i have only made two recipes out of the book so far, since the days before i leave for my trip are getting closer and closer.

first thing i whipped up were peanut butter and jelly cupcakes with chunky peanut butter frosting. instantly got the feel for a slumber party filled with childhood favorite movies tucked away in bed. thumbs up.

second thing i made was a lime cheesecake with gingersnap crust. this recipe is super versatile, so next time around i'm going to make a lemon version.

the cookbook was written by jennifer appel, who has written a couple of others and owns a bakery called, you guessed it, the buttercup bake shop located in new york.

http://buttercupbakeshop.com/

on a note other than baking, i can not put down a monster's notes and will finish this before i leave for europe.

seattle/rainfest

i'm going to start off with the food. because if anyone knows me, they know i love to eat. a lot. sooooo many yummy things were eaten on this trip. we had falafel at aladdin's, pad thai with tofu at in the bowl, pizza with daiya cheese and spinach, artichokes, broccilli, green peppers and onions at pizza pi, "buttermilk" fried chicken, fries, and sausage gravy and biscuits at wayward cafe, more noodles and tofu again at in the bowl, and sweet potatoes, polenta, grilled seitan, tofu scramble, biscuits and gravy, peppers and onions, and caramelized apples at a little soul place in tacoma. these are the things i remember. i fell into a food coma after day one and couldn’t help myself.

most importantly, food-wise, i went to mighty o's and ate a total of a dozen donuts on my trip. here are the following ones i got into: mint grasshopper, chocolate peanut butter, chocolate raspberry, chocolate glaze with sprinkles, glazed with sprinkles, cocoloco, french toast, cinnamon and sugar, lemon poppyseed, nutty chocolate, chocolate top, and a good old glazed one. i think you might be clinically insane if someone puts you in a mighty o’s and you don’t try at least three or four different kind of donuts. the second pastry place we went to was the flying apron, where i got a maple raspeberry cupcake and pecan roll. i was sent on a mission to try out the bakeries i could find in seattle, and i was pretty impressed. better to give in sooner than later and admit defeat. my cupcake and pastry indulging ways are here to stay.

travel wise and trip wise, every day we hit up different places. we got to see the best of the best of the city. the space needle, the wall, the city look out, vintage and costume shops, and archie mcphee's. the weather was so-so. i didn’t mind the rain, and got used to it pretty quick. i missed the sun, and the heat, but i didn’t miss the humidity that comes with our weather.

as for rainfest,

friday picks were foundation, rotting out, trapped under ice, bad seed and soul control.

saturday picks were disembodied, indecision, backtrack, the carrier, and vanguard.

sunday picks were harm's way, dangers, end of a year, mindset, terror, and title fight.

i met a lot of rad people this fest, and saw a lot of people that i hadn't seen since last time they came through. i couldn't ask for better people to be surrounded by and spend my nights with. hope to keep in touch with all of them.

i leave for germany in less than two weeks, and will be hitting up shows there and possibly a fest. travel plans and maps are my focus for time when i'm not at school or work. will be coming back to america with this is hardcore a couple of days away.

this post doesn't do enough justice for all of the people i stayed with every night and all of the hugs i could give out.

live hard, party hard, be hard.

it's the etsy things

that remind me of my dad that sting.

i lost myself

after school today in a book titled "Not Becoming My Mother: And Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way" by Ruth Reichl; this lead me to reflect on my own mothers life, and in this i will hold in the close pages of my diary for myself. so many people say things without saying them. some people are easier to read than others. some people are easier to love than others.

"This could be a guidebook for rethinking the entire lives of an entire generation of women, and it shows us how to do it with kindess and clear-eyed compassion."
- Ann Patchett

also, listened to some johnny cash while making these fun cupcakes.

misses lonely hearts

mr. parker has three yellow markers.
yes, he loves those three yellow markers.
you may ask,
"mr. parker, what do you do with those three yellow markers?"
"what do you expect?" replies mr. parker.
"why i go around the world and color in all yellow flowers just a tad darker."

twelve days until i leave for rainfest.
less than a month until i leave for germany.

two months later...

and here i am blogging again :)

updates:
planning my trip to germany for the summer
planning my start of culinary school in the fall
more on these later.

sometimes i envy
the bees in their hives
busy, always busy
and too occupied to consider
the properties and formation
of the flowers and honey
of their own existence and meaning
inside the geometry of their home.
and of why
why i yell in pain on instinct
in an excursion
to the outside.

march shows.

march fifteenth, ruiner in indianapolis.
march eighteenth, mountain man in cleveland.
march twentieth, tiger's jaw in cleveland. also, balance and composure, newport.
march twenty second, title fight in indianapolis.
march twenty sixth/twenty seventh, united blood :)

numb

always.

lipstick.

the only make-up i crave.

muted pink-beiges
bright pink
classic cherry red
cranberry
light,ladylike mauve
pale, muted peach/beige
light blue pink
clean pastel pink


i wish all lipstick was in a satin finish. sigh. a girl can dream, right?

rainfest entry.

I’ve always told myself, listen to the feeling. Listen to the feeling… and then I feel nothing. I feel nothing at all. This feeling… these roadtrips… have become so much more than what it began as. Before I knew what was happening to me, I was submerged in it. It didn’t matter how many people were there. All that mattered were the same faces every time. We’ve seen each other grow up. We’ve seen people grow apart. We’ve seen how much of an impact we all have on each other. We’ve closed our eyes and we open them and no one has left. Ever since I was a little girl, when I was screaming to be loved, I was nurtured into silence. There are things that I have told people from the community that I am now a part of that I haven’t even told my own family. What is a girl supposed to do when the only people she knows won’t love her back? And listen to her? As I got older,there became a time when I could go out alone. I wouldn’t get phone calls asking where I was. I wouldn’t even get phone calls if I wasn’t home for a couple of days. Sometimes, I would get secretly jealous of my friends who’s parents called to check in on them or ask them if they were coming home for dinner. But, oh, how good it felt to to get away… and even if I was only at the show for a couple of hours… what I felt in that couple of hours got me through. If it was van full of people or just myself, I never felt alone. Well… that’s not always true. I’ve had my fair share of social ups and downs, but that’s life. I’ve also had my fair share of friends who have come and gone. But what I knew was this.There weren’t any rules. You were free to leave whenever you want, and I stayed long after the show was over, submerged in conversations about social classes, religion, sexism, therapy, veganism, demos… anything. Anything and everything. The drives home would feel like nothing, just swirls of memories blanketing me . I would take deep breaths, and I swear I could smell home. I could see home. That house with so many locks on the doors. My room with so many notebooks scattered on the floor. I would remember. What than man on stage said. And I’d take a look around. And I’d look into someones eyes around me. And I saw everything. I saw the neglect. I saw the pride. I saw the honesty. I remember thinking about it once…. That look. It’s like seeing first hand, the look in an animals eyes right before its life is being taken from it. Knowing in that moment that you have a connection with something. And you just wanted to hold onto it and take it all away at the same time. In those moments, I didn’t feel alone…. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t write. Notebooks, dreams, stories, poems, diaries… the act of writing made me feel centered and whole. It still does. It’s my medication and my meditation. I’m honest about what I feel and what I fear. It always comes back to me. I’d go home and I’d write about the show. About who I met there, how many people were there, the condition of the venue… everything. I would write about everyone I met that night.. and I wonder how we were all brought together. At the end of the night, what kept us coming back? Did these people come from homes like the one I came from? Did they lie awake, with their hands over their ears? Did they look into the fragile faces of those they loved, hoping they loved them back? All I knew was this was happening before my time, and I thought that was beautiful.I am writing this entry in hopes of sharing the experience with the people attending this fest. My writing has identity issues. Hopefully I can make some friends along the way, that scratch beyond the surface and we can all feel human together.



last but not least, i wrote this entry for myself. the winner is announced march fifteenth.

are you a leader or a follower?

someone asked me this today in my formspring and i thought it was a good question.

i couldn't really give an answer and i kept deleting my response and we-writing it.

i ended up with this answer:
the hardest question in my formspring, good job. the decisions i've made in how i choose to live my life would make me assume that i'm closer to a leader. however, i don't mind following if the interests are similar to mine and i could come up with good ideas, help people, etc. again, hardest question in my formspring.

i would have to say starting around elementary school i was a follower. i was the smallest one in my class and was shy. i had a handful of friends, and i didn't feel comfortable around the other kids at school. a lot of them had nicer things than i did, and i often got picked on for this. i spent many, almost every recess alone. i read, i wrote, i just sat there and watched other kids. i don't remember being particularly sad. after a while you don't really feel anything. i was content, because it was all i knew. middle school came along. and i started to question everything. i became vegan during this time. which set me more apart from everyone else. boys didn't notice me. the popular girls didn't want to be my friend. it was like this all of middle school. high school was for the most part, terrible. i went through a lot of family and personal issues, and realized that claiming edge was the best thing i could ever do for myself. i took initiative to make myself the person i am today. i was the first junior that was ever editor for my schools newspaper. and ever since then i've been doing what i feel is best for me. i like to plan out road trips. i like to budget my money. i like to feel in control and i like being pro-active. i think everyone has to be a follower at some point to be a good leader. you have to have an investment in the people you're working with, and its got to be something you take home with you.

if i was ever a "leader" in my life, the time would be now. and i'm getting better and better at it. i do believe in fairness in relationships. in my opinion, there is a time and a place for the male to be dominant and a time and a place for the woman to be dominant. for example, if i'm with a guy that can't cook, then hell, i'm going to cook for him. if he can cook, and he wants to cook, that's fine with me too. as long as we're both happy, i don't see the problem. if i'm with one of my girlfriends and she wants to eat at this place and i want to eat at that place, then we talk it through it. i don't play that bullshit "where do you want to eat?" sigh "oh, i don't care, you pick something". i don't do that. if someone asks me where i want to eat i give them a straight up answer. "dominant" and "submissive" are coming to mind when i'm thinking of these scenarios.

there are other ways in my life i could be a leader/follower. maybe whoever asked me that should keep asking me questions. they have good insight.

but very, very good question. thank you for not writing something perverted in my formspring.

http://www.formspring.me/dearraindrop

this website is the definition of sketch, but i do answer every question given to me.

saw title fight last night. introduced myself to them since i have seen them five or six times. sometimes it's so hard for me to talk to boys, and i'm almost positive i was blushing. will be coming through and playing nitro and indianapolis all before united blood. looking forward to it.

currently jamming to a lot of
http://www.myspace.com/hcalmosthome
something about them reminds me of rise and fall.

making a zine this week, who knows what's going into it :)

facebook look a like.

alright, so everyone and their mom (moms have facebooks now) has changed their profile picture to their "celebrity look alike". so i got to thinking, i totally don't look like anyone else. so i got to thinking some more, and these are the people that people have told me i've looked like before...

she's a total babe, but i think it's just the blonde hair and the breasts.










i guess this is a compliment to wear i'm an older gal. can see it in the cheekbones.















don't get this one, but she's my favorite actress so i took it.
















again, the blonde hair and the breasts.















just thought it was interesting. and reminded me that no famous gal wears glasses !!

upcoming movies i'm looking forward to.

shutter island.
tree of life.
the white ribbon.
the killer inside me.
the rum diary.
the ghost wright.
and
true grit.

i'm

... so afraid to let a boy touch me.

others.

it's always about pleasing others. sometimes they see it and sometimes they don't.


i'm just a girl who sometimes writes her feelings for everyone to see. don't mind me.

death.

there are things i'm more afraid of than dying.

out tonight, and i'm staying out until the sun comes up. i'll bring my jacket and my gloves and watch my breath curl up like smoke, except it won't swirl and curl around my lips.

i'm so in love with this world it hurts.

package in the mail today from my dad.

included:
bubble bath
two soy chocolate bars
and last but not least,
a letter :)

milo missing :(

my niece called me at ransom today, telling me she had one of my toys and that if i wanted it back i would have to come get it and play with her.

so, immediately, i went to my cabinet where i keep my toys and noticed that milo was gone. i have to remind her that this is not a toy.

off to shop for mother's birthday/dinner tonight to celebrate. dress wearing will be required.

made cupcakes today :)

totally remember making cupcakes for q on his birthday and james cut his lip on the aluminum of the wrapper.

also made chili and cornbread tonight.

show last night ruled. glad everyone was laid back. plan on seeing forfeit on their small tour with outbreak in two weeks in fort wayne. they have the venue listened and i haven't been able to find an address to match up with it. i remember one time someone telling me about this place and you have to stop in town and ask for directions. sounds sweet. cruel hand, mother of mercy and bracewar are going to be in indianapolis next week at the dojo, which rules because i'm pretty sure it's a practice space. should be a good show.


recipe for the chili :)
1 package smart ground original (lightlife, very good and very affordable)
1 cup onion (chopped)
1 cup green pepper (chopped)
1 cup celery sliced
15 oz can kidney beans
15 oz can black beans
2 16 oz cans of tomatoes (cut up)
6 oz can tomato paste
2 clove garlic minced
1 1/2 tbsp chili powder
1 1/2 tbsp ground cumin
3 tsp salt
2 TBSP cooking oil

saute the onion, green pepper, and celery. if you have a crockpot, that's awesome and you can put the rest of the ingredients in there and let sit for an hour or an hour and a half. if not, just put in a large saucepan and cook it on medium heat for the same amount of time :)

i'd like to pinch the chinch-ettes, mrraawwrrrr...

haircut and color yesterday. still blonde. very very light blonde. making cupcakes to send to shelby at school. had good talk today with good girls. trapped under ice, cruel hand, forfeit, naysayer show tomorrow. looking to go to chicago to see blacklisted at the end of february.

also,

♫ want prosher pancakes? the secret’s a cinch!
♫ make your batter better with a pinch of chinch!

♫ kids won’t eat their broccoli and spin’ch?
♫ give va-VOOM to veggies with a pinch of chinch!

dad left town today. this time for good.

what a catch.

sigh :)

making fudge. will post recipe later if it turns out as expected.
making a trip to jungle jim's today. stoked to see if they got any new items in but if not, they've always got things that are a rarity in my world. trying to find a store in the area that sells gelatin free marshmallows. park in vine downtown sells the sweet&sara brand on occasion, which is awesome but not very cost effective for big recipes.

trapped under ice, cruel hand, forfeit, naysayer, and rhinoceros show is a week from today. hope everyone remembers that the warsaw doesn't have heat so a hoodie alone probably just won't do. then again, my body temperature is all over the place.

entering a contest to win tickets/transportation to rainfest this year. will be posting entry after submitted. it's a beautiful thing when you lay it all out.