most recently,

i realized that if a boy is going to involve himself with me, he can't be the least bit selfish.

and, like all things i believe true, these don't hit home until they happen to you.

i laid my heart out for a boy some time ago and he lied to me to get what he wanted from me. since i'm plagued with this big heart in a little body, i forgave the scumbag. after us salvaging what we could of a friendship, i thought things were going pretty well. sure, it hurt to see him with another girl. but it hurt even more to know that behind her back, he still wanted me as his girl on the side. i don't know why i put myself in these situations, but i can't walk away from something left unfinished. after their break up which is breaking his world apart (give me a fucking break), he's suddenly interested in me and all of the wonderful, wonderful things i have to offer. side note, if a boy is going to put me in the situation where i have permission to be a bitch, i will take full advantage of that and potentially ruin his life. (temporarily, of course). so, me being the girl i am, i told him i'd come over, we'd have a dinner and a movie night, and catch up. get that girl off his mind, get our friendship started again.

what upset me the most is,
he didn't once ask how i was feeling or how my messy, thrilling life has been
and that he still wanted to hook up with me.

i put my heart through so much to be this boys friend, and this is what i get in return?

scumbag free.
lesson learned.
never going to be a girl on the side, ever. even if it's just talking.

using your body to shield your soul.

isn't it sad,
that i can let someone into my world,
without opening my mouth...

family dinner

reminds me how unorganized my family really is. i didn't get the head's up that everyone was bringing their significant other. just a reminder of how alone i am. i'm happy for all of my sisters, i really am. after dinner i just drove around for a while, actually more than a little while... and just thought. i'm proud of myself. if not sleeping with people means i sleep alone every night, so be it. i'm not giving up my search for someone who sincerely believes that my mind is my most attractive asset. and one day i'll find him and invite him to family dinner. and he'll see them the way i see them.

am i just dreaming....
... can this ever come true..

mama always said

i'd be pretty one day. when's that day going to get here?